it happens far more often than any of us want to believe

domestic violence

I have three friends; all are well-educated (with advanced degrees), strong-willed, intelligent women (two of them are physicians). One of them just left an abusive relationship (we'll call her Terry), one is still in an abusive relationship(we'll call her Melissa) and the third got out of an abusive relationship several years ago (we'll call her Lisa). The names are fictional and a few details have been changed so that even those of you who know my friends shouldn't be able to identify these people)

I remember a conversation I had with Melissa several years ago, when she was just dating her current partner. She said that if her partner ever hit her, she would leave him, no exceptions. Well, about a year later, he threw a pot at her head and punched a hole in the wall when they were having an argument. Thankfully she wasn't hurt during that incident, but she's still with him. As far as I know, he hasn't started actually hitting her, but the emotional abuse has been going on for a long time now and is just getting worse.

Terry just left her partner of several years. She was never physically abused, but the emotional abuse was rampant. Before she moved in with her partner, she would spend the night at his house and be screamed at for cleaning his bathroom sink (he told her she was trying to control him and his life). I remember her calling me on the way back from her honeymoon. She was in tears at the airport. Her husband had spent the entire flight back telling her that she treated him terribly, was mean and degrading of him in front of her friends and family, that she insulted him and had no respect for anything he did. I have spent many hours with both of them, and never saw any evidence of this behavior on her part; I also couldn't imagine her every doing any of this to anyone, much less her partner.

Lisa had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for about 15 years. She knew something was wrong with her relationship, and it would periodically get very bad during times of severe stress, but it always got better; when Lisa's partner was feeling good, she was incredibly loving and supportive. Lisa knew her partner had strong opinions about what she did with her life, but never really thought of her as controlling (if Lisa made a decision that her partner didn't agree with, even if it was as minor as how she got her hair cut, she would be screamed at for hours). A few years ago, a friend of hers gave her a bookmark put out by a domestic violence group that asked a series of questions about a relationship to help women identify abuse. I clearly remember Lisa reading the bookmark, looking up at me and saying 'oh.' Up until that point, she had never realized that that's what an abusive relationship was. Her relationship got even worse when she told her partner she was leaving her. That's when the physical abuse started.

It seems that when most people think of domestic violence, they think of physical abuse. Approximately 22% (some studies report as high as 50%) of women report being physically assaulted by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime. (and lest we forget that men can also be victims, around 8% of men report the same).

However, by most estimates, emotional and verbal abuse are far more common, and are important aspects of the cycle of physical violence as well. Even worse, emotional abuse is much more difficult to recognize, even by the person being abused. The way emotional abuse works, you don't even realize you're being abused. There's something wrong with your relationship, but you try to fix it, try to make the other person happy, even change yourself to do so. No one ever taught you what an abusive relationship looks like, especially if you're not being physically abused. So how can you get out of an abusive relationship, if you don't even realize you're in one? Something to think about if you've ever been one of those people who said, 'I don't understand why she doesn't just leave him?'

Also remember that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abused partner is trying to leave. That's when physical violence will start, if it hasn't already, and when physical violence can easily become life threatening.

As I've written this, I've thought of four more friends who have been in abusive relationships. Two are male. And the longer I think about it, the more people I remember. (And I'm not including my patients in this list.)

So...here's a list of questions to ask yourself, or your friends, or your siblings, or even your parents:

Does your spouse, partner or significant other:
1. Hit, punch, slap, shove, or bite you?
2. Threaten to hurt you or your children?
3. Threaten to hurt friends or family members?
4. Have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
5. Behave in an overprotective manner?
6. Become jealous without reason?
7. Prevent you from seeing family or friends?
8. Prevent you from going where you want, when you want?
9. Prevent you from working or attending school?
10. Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
11. Deny you access to family assets, such as bank accounts, credit cards, or even the car?
12. Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
13. Force you to have sex against your will?
14. Force you to engage in sexual acts you do not enjoy?
15. Insult you or call you derogatory names?
16. Use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
17. Humiliate you in front of your children?
18. Turn minor incidents into major arguments?
19. Abuse or threaten to abuse pets?
20. Withhold affection from you?
Now, if you were honest and answered them truthfully, here is a statement that might shock you. If you answered YES to even ONE of those questions, you are being abused.

Just something to think about.

Resources on intimate partner violence/domestic abuse:
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
Domestic Violence Facts from the Feminist Majority Foundation
WHO Report on Violence and Health